Dear Emotional Wreck,

Emotional regulation can often feel like the next big hurdle after you’ve stopped drinking. The process you’re describing—or more accurately trying to achieve—is referred to as “emotional sobriety.” You’ve tackled the physical addiction, but learning to manage the feelings that are coming up can feel tricky, especially if you used alcohol in the past to numb, avoid, or suppress your emotions. The good news is that emotional sobriety is absolutely achievable, and it’s a process that unfolds over time with practice, patience, and self-compassion.

First, let’s acknowledge that your feelings are valid. They’re not wrong, they’re human. Emotional sobriety requires the ability to feel your emotions —whatever they are—without letting them dictate your actions, and without turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like alcohol, to numb or escape them. It’s about being able to sit with discomfort, express yourself appropriately, and respond to life’s challenges with emotional resilience.

Here are some key steps to finding emotional balance:

Name It to Tame It

The first step in emotional sobriety is becoming aware of what you’re feeling. Often, we don’t give ourselves permission to feel our emotions or we may not even know what we’re truly feeling. Take a moment each day to check in with yourself. Are you angry, sad, anxious, or maybe a mix? Naming your emotions helps you create space between yourself and the emotion. You are not your feelings; you experience your feelings. Separating the two is the first step toward processing them. Name it to tame it. You are not your anger, but you recognize that you are experiencing the feeling of anger.

Feel the Emotion, Don’t React to It

The goal isn’t to suppress emotions but to experience them in a healthy way. When you feel intense emotions rising, instead of reacting by running from them (which might have included drinking in the past), take a pause and a few deep breaths. Ground yourself in the present moment. Ask, “What do I need right now?” The answer might be a walk, a chat with a friend, or a calming activity that helps you move through the emotion instead of reacting impulsively.

Develop Coping Skills

It’s important to develop coping strategies that allow you to deal with emotional discomfort when it arises. This can include calming practices, like mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, and physical movement (like yoga or walking) or creative expression, like journaling, painting, or music. I’m also an advocate of getting the emotions “up and out.” Early in my own sobriety this looked like sometimes screaming into a pillow, calling a friend, or stomping around the block. As silly as they might sound, these were effective ways to calm my nervous system. Building a toolbox of coping mechanisms gives you options when those tough moments arise.

Boundaries & Self-Compassion

Emotional sobriety also involves setting boundaries with others and yourself. Emotions are often signals or messengers and it’s your job to listen to them and decipher what they’re saying. Be clear on what you will and won’t tolerate, and learn to say no when something doesn’t align with your well-being.

Seek Support

No one has to do this alone. Reach out to a coach, therapist, or a supportive sober community where you can talk about your emotions without judgment. Sometimes, just sharing your feelings can lift the burden, and others might offer perspectives or insights you didn’t think of. A coach trained in neuroscience can teach you how the brain heals from alcohol and the effects alcohol has on mood. Education can help. Knowledge is power.

Emotional sobriety is an ongoing journey, but with time, you’ll notice that your emotions don’t control you in the same way. You’ll become more adept at navigating life’s emotional challenges, all while staying rooted in your sobriety.

Be gentle with yourself as you grow into this new version of you.

Sincerely, Coach Heather