Dear Coach Heather,
I’ve quit drinking before, but I always go back. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I’m failing at sobriety. How can I make it stick?
– Unsustainable Sober Wannabe
Dear Unsustainable,
If you’ve ever whispered this to yourself, after another day one, another broken promise, another morning filled with regret, I want you to know this:
You are not failing. You are learning.
I can’t tell you how many women I work with who say the same thing: “I’ve quit drinking before—I’ve even gone months without any alcohol. But then something always happens, and I go back.”
Let’s be clear: Returning to alcohol doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken. It means you were relying on a tool that used to work, and when life got hard, your brain reached for what it knew. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the cycle forever. It just means it’s time for a different approach.
So what are you doing “wrong”?
Let’s reframe the question: It’s not about what you’re doing wrong; it’s about what you’ve been missing.
Here are four reasons sobriety hasn’t stuck (yet):
1. You’re relying on willpower.
White-knuckling it through cravings might work for a few days, but it’s not sustainable. Willpower runs out, especially when you’re tired, stressed, or emotionally overwhelmed.
Sobriety isn’t a DIY project to build your willpower. It’s a process of healing your nervous system so you can react to situations differently.
2. You haven’t built the right support system.
Reading books and listening to podcasts is a start, but real change requires real connection. We’re wired for community, not isolation. If you’re doing this alone, it makes sense that it’s hard. In most cases, everything changes when my clients find real connection or community.
3. You haven’t uncovered the real “why” behind your drinking.
Alcohol is never the actual “problem”; alcohol is the solution to an unmet need. These needs can include things like emotional pain, anxiety, burnout, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and trauma. These are the root issues we need to address. The process of getting to your “why” means taking a hard look at the parts of your life that might not be serving you or that you haven’t wanted to look at.
4. You haven’t replaced alcohol with tools that actually work.
Saying “no” to alcohol is just the first step of the process. What are you saying yes to instead? Sobriety sticks when it’s paired with pleasure, purpose, peace, and self-trust. You deserve to discover what makes you happy and create a life you love.
What makes sobriety stick?
Here’s what I’ve learned both personally and professionally:
You need to feel safe in your body and in your life.
You need to be seen and supported, not judged or fixed.
You need tools to regulate your emotions, not just avoid them.
You need a new story, one where sobriety isn’t punishment, but power.
You’re not here to white-knuckle it through sobriety, barely getting by. You’re here to grow through it and come out on the other side clearer, stronger, and more connected to yourself than ever before.
You don’t need to try harder. You need a new way. Spend some time thinking through the steps above and see how you feel.
Sending you love and support,
Coach Heather
