The quarter-cup of wine I found gave me comfort. “See? I didn’t drink two bottles.” It was a small but satisfying success like leaving the last french fry on a plate. Yet the red-eyed and forlorn inner child whom I had abandoned for just over a year begged, “No more.” 

Staring at the wee bit of wine, I heard my dad’s voice, ”You drink too much.”

Matter of factly I responded, finally, “Yes. I do.”

As you read this today, I am free of alcohol. Starting over. It’s both freeing and scary to write this and it feels exceedingly vulnerable, especially with the work I do as a coach. I know that we are all human, including me. I also know I don’t ever want to go back there. When my grief flares up and I’m tempted to “just have one” I remind myself of the fallout that happened during this difficult past year from the simple act of picking up the bottle. For me, this looked like the following: 

Muted imagination and intuition 

Drinking again washed away my intuition and what remained was a barren landscape of mild depression. I found myself grasping for answers, helplessly looking to friends, family, and psychics for direction. My high vibe was replaced with a murmur of apathy. The big ideas that came to me during “happy hour” became hazy memories as the hangovers set in. Hadn’t I done this before?? 

Weight gain and bad health

My daily three hours of escape hijacked the other 21 hours and led to bad health and habits. I became a poster child for the cascading negative effects that alcohol creates: Terrible sleep led to poor food choices which depleted my energy. Low energy led to laying on the couch and lack of exercise which resulted in 40 extra pounds.

Lack Of Purpose

Someone in my Facebook coaching community posted “Is this group still active? I miss Meg’s workshops.” My lack of motivation was manifesting itself in a limping professional life. I had stopped writing, no new podcasts were created, and the online program was quiet. A part of me I didn’t recognize was relieved to stay in a bubble of inaction.

Non-Existent Self Care 

My internal child was a hot mess and her mother had checked out. My usual routine of soaks in the tub, at-home facials, and teatime disappeared. The delicious meals I enjoyed making were gone as was my cozy sleep hygiene. As wine crept back into my life, the laundry piled up, things went unfixed, flossing was hit or miss, and dinner was delivery or take-out. Instead of reading each night, I scrolled social media buying things I then forgot about until they arrived. 

While things fell apart pretty quickly in my grief, I now see that this detour provided me with concrete evidence of the two lives I could live and laid the choice out bare before me: Did I want to hide or did I want to live? 

Getting back on track 

I lovingly share the steps that are getting me back on track, holding me accountable to what I want in my life, and replacing the need for alcohol in difficult times. It’s an all-encompassing journey with a healthy dose of being kind to myself each day. I share these with the hope that they will inspire you on your own path:

Embrace The Pain

For years I would run from any whisper of pain into the arms of alcohol. But all of my grief was still there under the surface. Ever-evolving and unpredictable, grief waits patiently for us to open the door and let it in. When it knocks—perhaps for the hundredth time—what if you welcomed it in, listened, and tried to understand it? Moving through grief can happen through music, somatic dance, walking in a forest, or simply having a conversation with a loved one. The process is non-linear: We hurt, then we heal. We hurt, then we heal. I personally love crying in the car to music that reminds me of my loved one. I’m learning to love my grief, knowing that its intensity is simply a mirror of the amount of love I hold in my heart.

Craft and Embody Your Muse

One day I sat down and made a list of people I admired and the qualities they embody. From that list, I created my muse. I call her Elegant Evelyn, and I built my podcast and coaching program around finding her each day. Evelyn is a gracious woman who dresses fabulously, decorates her home beautifully, loves herself and others and is present in her life. She has a sense of self-possession that keeps her grounded. I make it a daily game to find my way back to this version of myself. The days I can bring her forth are the most meaningful to me regardless of the emotional weather. 

Look For Kindred Spirits

Joining alcohol-free programs and communities is a lifeline for me. I cherish the friendships I’ve discovered in this space on Instagram. Lean towards what inspires you and piques your interest. I also find it uplifting to read about public figures who live alcohol-free lives and how it changed the work they do in the world. 

Fresh Sheets and Flowers

I use the extra time and money from not buying and drinking a bottle of wine each night to treat myself to simple pleasures. The very simple joy of ironing my pillowcases with lavender-infused steam makes me feel taken care of. Brunch, farmers markets, sound healing, hikes, day trips, movie nights, reading, midnight baking, and retreats are just a few of the treats I love. Create your own list of things you love and focus on cultivating those activities. 

P.S. Tidy and pretty spaces feel good. Taking time to declutter, clean, sage, and open windows can be deeply therapeutic.

Plan How You Want To Feel Tomorrow

A powerful and proven strategy in recovery is to ‘play the movie forward.’ If you want that glass of wine, try this: Step away. Take a few breaths. Close your eyes. Fast forward your life over the next 24 hours. If you choose to drink, what would you eat for dinner? How would you sleep? How would you feel waking up? What would you eat the next day? Would you feel calm or grumpy? Take another deep breath. Next, fast forward again imagining you decide not to drink. Visualize what the next 24 hours would look like. How would you feel? What would you do? This gives you powerful information to make an informed decision.

Get Up, Dress Up

Each day is a gift. It took a few weeks of deep sleep and self-care to start to heal my traumatized body and start to feel more like myself. One day as I walked listening to Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” I began jamming out on the sidewalk. People stared as they slowed their cars, but I didn’t care. The joy I felt was not going to stay corked in a bottle. Life was brighter, more magical, and more alive. Once I was able to begin showing up for myself, life and all its gifts began showing up for me. 

It comes down to a choice. How do you want to feel:

Tired or energized

Bloated or refreshed

Grumpy or calm

Obnoxious or dignified

Undisciplined or self-possessed

Worn down or free

Uninspired or delighted

Overwhelmed or lovely

I’m grateful every day that I get to have the latter again.

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