All right, let’s get real. Making friends as grown women can be a wild ride, especially when we put down the booze and face life with clear eyes and a bit more wisdom. No more hiding behind alcohol-induced confidence or getting hammered just to hang out with someone you don’t really like. Those days are gone and along with them the crutch we relied on to fuel our friendships. The struggle is real, but fear not, it’s so worth it. Not having friendships blurred by alcohol means we can form some kickass real connections and truly discern who’s matching our vibe—life’s too short to spend our time with folks who aren’t our people. So yes it’s worth it, but I didn’t say it was easy. I’m going to share with you some of the things I’ve learned to navigate those cringe-worthy moments and come out with real connection and meaningful friendships.
EMBRACE THE AWKWARDNESS
We’ve all been there —looking around a networking event or a social gathering, feeling like a fish out of water. There’s that uncomfortable moment when you have to go up to a stranger or want to fill the (very loud) silence in a conversation when no one knows what to say. Instead of cringing during those uncomfortable moments and wanting to run and hide, embrace them! Awkwardness is a part of life and going with the flow not only can ease your discomfort, but it will ease others’ as well. That’s right, they are likely feeling the same way. My husband asked a great question when I was describing the awkwardness of these situations: “Why do you feel responsible for filling the silence in this situation?” He’s right, it doesn’t always have to be my job. Now I just sit with it and let someone else take the reins, or at the very least relax until the right words present themselves. Don’t let those uncomfortable moments prevent you from being you. Trust me, showing your genuine self, even in awkward times, will attract those who appreciate your realness.
WEED OUT THE ENERGY VAMPIRES
Here’s the beauty of being alcohol-free: Your bullsh*t radar is fully calibrated and ready to protect you! Without the haze of alcohol, you can spot the energy suckers a mile away. You know, the ones who only want to hang around you when things are good or the “friends” who are a tad too competitive with you. Or the ones who talk endlessly about themselves without a care in the world about what’s going on with you. Let them go like a bad ex-boyfriend; you deserve better, babe! Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, not those who drain your energy like a thirsty vampire.
HOW DO I DECIDE IF I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK OR NOT?
Every human, experience, and interaction is different. My best advice is to listen to that little voice inside your head. If you aren’t feeling it, then don’t be around it. If you don’t mind if others drink around you go for it, but make sure it is your decision. If it is triggering to you then you are allowed to stay away. The best part is you actually don’t have to permanently decide whether you want to hang out with people who drink or not. You can change your mind. You can feel it one day and the next day want to be far away from booze. It is up to YOU. Get in touch with how you feel moment-to-moment and go with what feels right.
QUALITY OVER QUANTITY
We may have had squads in our 20s, but let’s face it—as grown-ass women, we value quality over quantity. Sure, having a huge gang of friends looks great on Instagram, but nobody’s got time for toxic relationships and drama. Focus on forming deep connections with a select few. It’s like having a curated playlist of friends, and damn, that playlist is fire! It’s time to let go of the friends who don’t serve your happiness and future, and spend quality time with the ones who do.
VULNERABILITY IS STRONG AF
When it comes to making real connections, vulnerability is the best thing you can wear. Drop that armor, and let people see the real you—battle scars, insecurities, and all. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s a sign of strength and authenticity. When you open up, you create a space for others to do the same, and that’s when the magic happens. This sets the stage for the ultimate support and an unbreakable bond. The one caveat to this is to use your bullsh*t radar (see left) to sense who deserves access to your inner truth. Hint: It’s not the energy vampires. You’ll know who the right people are.
FIND YOUR RIDE OR DIE
You know that feeling when you meet someone, and there’s an instant soul connection? Yeah, that’s the vibe we’re after! As grown women, we’ve been around the block, and we know what clicks and what doesn’t. So, be patient, don’t compromise, and trust that your ride-or-die tribe will come together as a powerful sisterhood. The universe has a way of aligning the stars for true friendships.
FRIEND DATING IS A THING
A lot of us have tried online dating (and maybe even deleted the apps a million times), but have you heard of friend dating? Just like finding the perfect romantic match, we sometimes need to go on a few friend dates to find our platonic soulmates. (The app Bumble even has a space called Bumble BFF. If that doesn’t tell you we’re all in the same boat I don’t know what will.) The world of friend dating might not be for everyone—but it can be worth attempting a connection with someone to determine if you vibe. Be specific about who you are and what you’re looking for and see what happens. Putting yourself out there also applies to people you meet IRL. Don’t be afraid to ask them to join you for coffee, lunch, or an activity (see below) to move the relationship to the next level. Asking for advice helps form connections too. It takes time and exposure to form a deep long-lasting bond and it has to start somewhere.
GET COURAGEOUS
I am the first one to admit, it may take some lady-balls to make the first move. But as we all know, what is hard is worth it. If you encounter a potential friend, be brave and ask them to do something. What is the worst that can happen? They say no? What is the best that can happen? You make a new, wonderful connection. If you are feeling nervous about potentially awkward moments, instead of dinner or coffee where you rely solely on conversation, do an activity. A hike, paint party—maybe give axe throwing a shot!
SAY GOODBYE TO EMBARRASSMENT
One of the things that has held me back from forming new friendships is my loathing of the feeling of embarrassment. But what is embarrassment exactly? Embarrassment really is all in my head. That cringy feeling is my fight-or-flight response gearing up in response to my perception of what I think the other person is thinking. None of that is real. When I’m worried the person in front of me may say no or laugh at me, I remind myself that I’m projecting my own assumptions onto them. And if they actually don’t like what I’m all about then they are not my person. That helps me find the courage to be vulnerable and go for it!
HOW DO I TELL PEOPLE I DON’T DRINK?
How and if we tell people, is a personal choice. I typically don’t make a big deal about it. If someone offers me a glass of wine, I ask for something without alcohol. If they ask if I drink, I just say no. If they keep making a big deal about it, I take a page out of Regina George’s book and ask why they are so obsessed with me. Just kidding! I try to remember that any responses that make me feel uncomfortable come from a place of not understanding. So, I give them a break. But if they are genuinely curious, I tell them I don’t drink because I love this version of me much, much more.
If you are early in your journey plan what you’ll say so you aren’t caught off guard. You have full permission to tell a little fib here. “I am taking a break.” “I am doing a challenge.” “I have a cup already” (they don’t have to know what is in it). “I’m sticking with water for now.” Honor your own boundaries and listen to that inner voice. As you gain more experience, you will settle into what feels right to you!
SO WHERE THE HECK DO I FIND ALCOHOL-FREE FRIENDS (OR FRIENDS IN GENERAL)?
Friends can be found anywhere and everywhere if you look closely and are open to it—the gym, a book club, a party, even at work. Strike up a conversation with someone at Starbies or give someone a compliment on the street. You will find a lot of opportunities if you keep your eyes open for them. Don’t let fear prevent you from seeing those moments.
To connect with other sober people I start with a trusty ol’ Google search. Search using keywords like “alcohol-free” or “sober” on your favorite social media or search engine site to find online communities and local groups that meet your needs. Meetup.com is a great option to find nearby events. If there aren’t any, CREATE ONE! If you are looking for it, I guarantee someone else is!
For a subtler angle, join a fitness class or volunteer event. While not necessarily alcohol-free, these folks are usually all about self-improvement, positivity, and community vibes. Strike up a convo and let connections happen naturally.
With alcohol or not, as we grow as women our friendships change. Making new friends can be exciting, terrifying, and oh-so-worth-it! Ditching the alcohol veil might feel like going commando, but it also means making real connections with badass women who truly get you. Embrace the awkwardness, weed out the energy vampires, and cherish the ride-or-die crew who have your back through thick and thin. Vulnerability is strong AF, and finding your tribe is like creating a playlist of soul connections. So, get brave and seek out opportunities to meet new friends. ***
